are discussions of death appropriate for young children? moreover, what young child has never seen death? is it possible or even appropriate to avoid discussing death with young children?
yesterday, I read a facebook comment from a mom who expressed her opinion that she did not want to listen to a kids’ radio station that spoke of death, even as just a minor comment. she did not want to have to explain death to her innocent children. this rubbed me the wrong way, though (as usual) I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at first.
I completely agree, the innocence of children should be protected. But to me, innocence does not have to do with the ignorance of the cycles of life. It has to do with knowledge of the ugliness of humanity or individual humans gone “bad”. Young children should be protected from learning of this ugliness until they have more rational understanding of the world.
What young child has not seen death? I can’t be the only one with dead bugs in the house. Or who sees snakes and turtles dead in the road. Or who has had pets die. Or who has family members that do eat meat. Death is a fact of life, the knowledge of which children should NOT be protected. In addition, as a parent, I believe it is my responsibility to truthfully answer the questions that my children ask about death as with other questions. It can be difficult to find the right words, the right analogies, the explanations, but as parents, we know our kids and can find the right way to explain to them that life is finite. As my kids age, they have learned that “Let’s talk about that later.” is not a blow-off; just a request to delay the conversation until a more appropriate time (and a chance for me to figure out how to respond).
As for the innocence of children, I will do my best to shield my kids from the ugliness of humanity until I believe them ready to learn about it. Should my 7 year old understand the reality of genocide and other brutal acts that humans enact on one another? NO. Should my eleven year old? To some degree, yes. If they approach me with questions, I try to answer these question in a truthful way, but in a way that they can understand without saying more than needs to be said. I probably use the phrase “Some people don’t understand right from wrong, and we try to help them find the help they need in order to learn this.” more than I should. And as for the questions regarding sex, I have always been as open as possible with my kids; it takes some effort, but it is not impossible (Thank you OWL.)
Do I shield my children from the natural cycles of life including birth, death, illness, and, even, procreation? No. These are very natural parts of our cycle of life, and I want them to be comfortable with these. People should not be brought up to fear the natural cycles of life.
And look how well-adjusted my children are:
Very well put. I had to unexpectedly deal with this when a friend’s dog died and Lilah asked where she went. Not having an answer was upsetting her more than knowing that she was gone and not coming back.
We had to deal with this for the first time when Morgan was 3 1/2 and Yes, she asked lots of questions and understood everything she was told. I completely agree about not shielding our children from the natural cycles of life. They don’t need protection from that…it is natural. Explain in terms they understand. Shield them from some of the horrible, tragic stuff that happens in the world (past & present)..yes, sorry most of it is NOT natural and comes from bad decisions, sick minds,etc. They need protection from this until they can understand it better. Even then it can be discussed in age appropriate ways depending on the child. Shielding them from the natural things in life doesn’t do them justice.
exactly. very well put. we’re in your camp – talking to kids about the world, not just marshmallows and rainbows.