emotions

Chloe has always been a monkey, climbing whatever she can find — support pole in the basement, swingset in the playground, the car. Not surprisingly, going to gymnastics class is of her most favorite things to do. She’s ready to head to class far earlier than she needs to be and forces me out the door long before I want to go; she hates to ever miss even one minute of class.

When she first heard about Circus Camp, she just knew that she had to go. Unfortunately, our summer last year, between living in DC and going to France, was just too complicated. She kept asking. I finally got online in April this year and signed her up for camp during the one week that I thought would work for us. It’s all she’s been talking about — a continual countdown of days until Circus Camp!

Last night we got back from the cabin late. After unpacking, we worked on finding an outfit for her to wear. Panic. She owns no shorts that fit other than skorts! How can that be? Eventually, we found a pair buried in the back of her socks drawer. She’ll be the poor kid who shows up at camp wearing the same outfit everyday. We also were low on lunch foods but managed to pull together a tasty, healthy lunch nonetheless. Chloe didn’t seem to care too much about the lack of clothes and food — she just wants to go to camp!

I get nervous about new things and places; I tend to overdo it on mapping and double (triple) checking. I “street viewed” the school where her camp is held. I read and re-read the camp confirmation and rules and our “reservation”. I was set. Chloe got up, showered, ate and got her lunch together. We left the house with time to spare, arriving about five minutes before drop off began, giving me time to park, breathe deeply and take my time.

At the registration desk, we were greeted by a boy on a triple unicycle. Unfortunately, I was too nervous to get a good look at how his stacked-wheel contraption worked. Chloe gave her name to the lady there. She couldn’t find Chloe on the list. She asked if we were at the correct camp. Uh, yes. She asked if we were there for the correct week. Yep. I managed to keep my anxiety in check, thanks to having reviewed all the details three times this morning and the saved confirmation on my phone.

We were ushered inside so the “manager” could figure out the problem. He spotted Chloe on the list almost immediately. My anxiety rushed out, only to be replaced by an emotion I couldn’t name. Now that the paperwork was sorted out, Chloe gave me a hug and headed off to find her group. I was free to go. Free to leave. Without Chloe, the child that drives me absolutely bonkers. Shouldn’t I be skipping out the door, thrilled to have her doing something other than climb me, her personal jungle gym, for a few hours?

As I drove off, I realized that it wasn’t that I was sad to see her go. Even more, the emotion I was feeling was not happiness for my hours of freedom. What was it? I finally came to the realization that my heart was filled to bursting with the joy of seeing her take off and do something that she’s been wanting to do so much. The tears I was holding back weren’t tears of sadness. They were the tears of absolute joy, utter happiness for my girl getting to do something she’s been wanting to do for so very long.